How to Talk Without Saying Anything

Screen Shot 2017 02 22 At 5.49.49 PM

Here’s what I’ve learned from celebrity gossip magazines- avoid holding a verifiable opinion at all costs. When you are backed into a corner, say things that only monsters would publicly disagree with:

“I am against poverty in Africa”

“I am against clubbing baby seals”

“I do not agree with rape”

Talk about things that people don’t feel morally divided over. Talk about clothes. Talk about your favorite designer or style but never mention what you don’t like. If you must step on one side of a dividing line go with the majority side that appeals to emotion over reason, because you can always flip flop and say you changed your mind in light of new information but you can’t change your mind in light of new feelings.

So go green.

Raise awareness for PETA.

These things can’t hang you on a cross.

Everyone is always wonderful and dedicated and talented. Coworkers. Directors. Caterers. The project was always a challenge that helped you grow as an artist and you’re so excited that you could be a part of it. Never dislike or criticize or find fault unless you’re speaking out against a sure thing: Domestic Violence, genocide, hunger. And when you speak out, don’t offer a viable solution, but throw in the words “we” and “should” and watch them swoon. We should care. We should do something. Wear it on a t-shirt or a hat with your peace sign earrings and blog about it on myspace. Make it general enough that a critic can’t find a thread to unravel it with. Think of it as a prelude to an idea.

Females can occasionally talk shit about each other but only if they’re fighting over a man. Always break up over “irreconcilable differences”. “Find New Love” or have “Pregnancy Bliss” at least once a year to keep prime cover spots. If you’re up against a deadline you can always get a make over or drop ten lbs. and then give advice on how to follow in your footsteps. Let your most torrid inner conflict be with chocolate.

This emptiness will keep you safely out of reach of critics with worthwhile points. You’ll put yourself in a ring with the fashion police and people who don’t like your hairstyle but any punches they throw will make you look like a victim anyway and we’ll all feel closer to you for it.

Leave a Reply

Search