Resume (for your consideration)

OK before we all jump to bad conclusions, let me start by saying that I am not leaving the industry, I am not looking to leave the industry, and nothing negative has happened that might have caused me to contemplate leaving the industry. I’m not looking to leave Digital Playground. Nothing about my current position in porn is changing anytime soon. With that out of the way, I was asked for my resume today. I was asked by someone who doesn’t know what I do. I was just looking into what would have been a cool volunteer job before I realized I had to undergo a four hour interview, and turn in said resume. I’m not that dedicated to the volunteer thing. I’m sorry.

But I am curious about what my resume might look like, if say, Cal Osha tries to shut us down through the back door with condom regulation or Shelly Lubben lies to the legislature again to put our merchandise in a tax bracket that would run us out of business and I find myself treading the cold dark waters of today’s job market.

Here goes:

Kayden Kross
PO Box 862062,
Los Angeles, CA 90086
kaydenblog@gmail.com

Objective:
To secure a position in a firm in which I can continue to get overpaid to do what I would otherwise be doing in my free time and utilize my skills in the art of fellatio and excuse making. I feel I’m strongly suited for work in public office.

Work Experience:

Contract Star, Digital Playground
Jan 1, 2010-Present

Maintain figure, skin, hair and nails with routine intensive spa days.
Interact as a public persona online through the extensive and excessive use of social networking sites, most notably Twitter.
Read and respond to physical and digital mail in a timely manner
Perform on-camera sex acts on an exclusive basis, tailored to the artistic direction of the production team, including but not limited to various combinations of oral, manual, and vaginal sex with various combinations of men, women, and toys.
Be available for photo shoots, television, print and radio interviews, signings, and other promotional opportunities as they arise.
Avoid acting like an asshole.

Cohost, AVN Awards Show
Jan 2010

Introduce show, performers, and presenters.
Promote show through radio, BTS filming, and photo shoots.
Prepare for show with rehearsals, media classes and a shot of vodka.
Spend and obscene amount of money on dresses that will never be worn again.
Fear that Kirsten Price is out of my hosting league.
Smile and blink.
Avoid acting like an asshole.
Avoid tripping, stuttering, and mispronouncing names.

Writer, Unkrossed.com
Sept 2008- Present

Compose posts on an unstructured schedule according to whims.
Moderate comments according to whether or not I’m being impersonated by the commenter.
Responsible for art direction on all images that accompany posts.

Cohost, XRCO Awards
Feb 2009

Introduce show, performers, and presenters.
Make friends with Jessica Drake and let her make all decisions.
Prepare for show with rehearsals and a shot of vodka.
Spend and obscene amount of money on dresses that will never be worn again.
Smile and blink.
Avoid acting like an asshole.
Avoid tripping, stuttering, and mispronouncing names.

Cohost, Xbiz Awards
Feb 2009

Introduce show, performers, and presenters.
Prepare for show with rehearsals and a shot of vodka.
Spend and obscene amount of money on dresses that will never be worn again.
Smile and blink.
Avoid acting like an asshole.
Avoid tripping, stuttering, and mispronouncing names.

Contributing Writer, InsideSTL.com
June 2009- November 2009

Composed weekly posts about a wide range of topics from clit-desensitizing bike seats to the virtues of oral sex.
(Turned into monthly posts…..
Turned into biannual posts…..
Got fired? possibly.)

Contributing Writer, Mikesouth.com
Mar 2008-Septemberish 2009

Composed weekly posts about a wide range of topics from political stereotypes to porn stereotypes.
(Turned into monthly posts…..
Turned into biannual posts…..
Got fired? possibly.)

Contract Star, Adam and Eve Pictures
Jan 1, 2008- Dec 31, 2009

Maintain figure, skin, hair and nails with routine intensive spa days.
Interact as a public persona online through the extensive and excessive use of social networking sites, most notably Facebook.
Read and respond to physical and digital mail in a timely manner.
Perform on-camera sex acts on an exclusive basis, tailored to the artistic direction of the production team, including but not limited to various combinations of oral, manual, and vaginal sex with various combinations of men, women, and toys.
Be available for photo shoots, television, print and radio interviews, signings, and other promotional opportunities as they arise.
Avoid acting like an asshole.

Contract Star, Vivid Entertainment
Oct 2006- August 2007

Maintain figure, skin, hair and nails with routine intensive spa days.
Interact as a public persona online through the extensive and excessive use of social networking sites, most notably MySpace.
Read and respond to physical and digital mail in a timely manner.
Perform on-camera sex acts on an exclusive basis, tailored to the artistic direction of the production team, including but not limited to various combinations of oral, manual, and vaginal sex with various combinations of men, women, and toys.
Be available for photo shoots, television, print and radio interviews, signings, and other promotional opportunities as they arise.
Avoid acting like an asshole.

Nude Model, Independent Contractor
Oct 2005- Present

Show up with clean hair.
Contort into and maintain natural looking positions.
Provide a selection of wardrobe ranging from two-piece intimates to exotic dance wear and themed costumes, as well as everyday wear.
Avoid carbs for the day.

Stripper, Risky Business
Oct 2004- Dec 2005

Provide engaging solo stage performances of the nude variety.
Provide engaging solo lap performances of the nude and gyrating variety.
Maintain an attractive exterior.
Upsell $9 sodas.

Trail Guide, Shadow Hills Riding Club
May 2004- August 2004

Halter, feed and groom horses.
Assess the need for veterinary care throughout the day.
Care for and put away tack.
Saddle and safety check horses in use.
Guide customers along the trails of Lake Natoma.
Work on behavior modification with difficult horses.
Shovel shit.

Waitress, Denny’s
Sept 2003- Oct 2004

Took phone, takeout, and table orders.
Prepped food and delivered to table in a timely manner.
Vacuumed, swept, and cleaned tables and prep areas as needed.
Closed out checks and assisted in counting tills at the end of shifts.
Delivered karma in the form of contaminated food to a select cross-section of the deserving American public.

Dogwasher, PetSmart
Sept 2003- May 2004

Scheduled appointments, checked in dogs, and made phone calls to notify owners when their dogs were ready for pick up.
Cleaned and swept salon as needed.
Collected and maintained shot records and updated owner information on pet’s files.
Washed and dried dogs and cats.
Trimmed nails, cleaned ears, and brushed teeth.
Upsold grooming packages and products.
Assessed the need for muzzles based on whether blood was drawn.

“Associate”, Taco Bell
Oct 2002- May 2003

Heated frozen bags of meat, stirred hot water into powdered beans, cut open bags of lettuce and tortillas.
Kept track of food temperatures and ages.
Collected and cleaned dirty dishes, mopped floors, wiped down counters on an as-needed basis.
Took and tendered orders at the counter and drive through.
Prepared food to order on food line, wrapped and packed orders.
Filled drink orders.
Delivered karma in the form of contaminated food to a select cross-section of the deserving American public.

“Associate”, McDonald’s
May 2001- Oct 2002

Grilled frozen patties, deep fried various forms of chicken and potatoes, kept pastries heated and ice cream machine full of mix.
Kept track of food temperatures and ages.
Collected and cleaned dirty dishes, mopped floors, wiped down counters on an as-needed basis.
Took and tendered orders at the counter and drive through.
Prepared food to order on food line, wrapped and packed orders.
Filled drink and dessert orders.
Delivered karma in the form of contaminated food to a select cross-section of the deserving American public.

Education:

LACC, Los Angeles, CA
Aug 2008- Dec 2009

AA Modern Political Science

Miramar College, San Diego, CA
Jan 2007- May 2008

Coursework in Economics, Finance

“Kayden’s First Time”
Oct. 2006

Passed?

Sacramento State, Sacramento, CA
Jan 2005- May 2006

Psychology Major

American River College, Sacramento, CA
Aug 2003- Dec 2004

AA Liberal Arts

Skills:

Performs well solo or in a group of up to 4 people.
Deep throats 7″
Qualified for the “expert traveler” line at the airport
CPR certified
Can drive a 6 speed, tow a 5th wheel, and back an F250 into a compact parking space
Extreme vocal range
Career driven
Unnaturally strong inner thighs
Fills out a bra
“can do attitude”

Commendations:

Awarded one of “Dr Jay’s 13 to Watch” Jan 2010
Won “Best American Starlet” Sept 2009
Member’s Choice Twisty’s Treat of the Year May 2009
Penthouse Pet of the Month Sept 2008

References:

Available upon request

OK so basically the moral of the story is stick with porn. It’s a cut throat world out there and I’m highly specialized.

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