The Masturbation Diet

Stupid holidays really bring out the Betty Crocker in people. Not that I dislike holidays—let’s not take it that far—I just really can’t fight the chocolate chip cookies anymore.

I was at a friend’s house last week and his roommate went and put Reese’s Peanut Butter cups on top of her chocolate chip cookies, only she dropped the dough into cupcake wrappers so they didn’t have to bake all the way, meaning they came out gooey, with the melted peanut butter cups.

What exactly are you supposed to do to fight that?

So I didn’t fight it.

The next day we hit a restaurant that baked marshmallows into the top of it’s chocolate chip cookies and graham crackers into the bottom.

Didn’t fight that either.

And the next day it was Coldstone Creamery, where I just went straight for the cookie dough, mixed in with the cookie dough ice cream, topped off with Oreo cookies.

Let’s just say this pattern continued.

And it’s not that I’ve necessarily gained weight. The Bikram yoga phase that my vagina has thrown me at full force is keeping everything in check. But AVN is coming up, and I just got my dress, and it’s a size 2 with no room for error.

So I tried to cut cookies out of my diet, and I found that they didn’t want to leave. They are shockingly powerful things, these cookies. I started researching it. Science says that once hooked, the desire for shitty food is as strong as the desire for cocaine in lab rat comparisons, and that the same parts of the brain are activated by cookies as by cocaine. Then it went into sugar peaks and valleys, and systems of reward, and the psychology of habit, and dopamine, and serotonin, and apparently the only effective diet drug was taken off the market in the 70’s when it started killing people or something, but the reason it worked was it interfered with the dopamine and serotonin levels that were manipulated by sugary food, or something.

Then I decided I didn’t like the research I was doing because at the end of the day I just had to decide not to eat chocolate chip cookies. It suggested a substitute food.

Nothing substitutes for chocolate chip cookies.

Except orgasms.

And that’s when genius happened. Orgasms are great for dopamine and serotonin too, and they have a lot to do with the reward systems of the brain too, and they’re like a zero on the weight watchers scale. So the next time I wanted a cookie, I distracted myself by rubbing one out, and again the next time, and again, and again, and I can proudly say I haven’t had a cookie since I invented this diet plan yesterday. I don’t even want a cookie. I just want to get off constantly. Not that much has changed; I’ve just put a positive spin on it.

You can’t say it doesn’t make sense though. It breaks the sugar peaks and valleys, eventually lessening the physical cravings, it still provides the brain rush, and there are no side effects, or worse, exercise requirements. It also circumvents the mental part of cookie addiction by interrupting the habit. Those are all the things that the deadly drug in the 70’s did, before people died and ruined all the fun.

So when this whole thing goes global and I can say I’ve single handedly solved the obesity epidemic, feel free to thank me.