the sex test

So I spent my day at the DMV yesterday. I’m talking about a big chunk of my waking hours here. I had to renew my license and I didn’t make an appointment. I just walked in there with a fat book and a full battery on my phone and some bottled provisions. There was an hour-long line just to pull a ticket. Ominous, right?

Anyway I get this ticket and I sit down and at some point I realize that this drivers license renewal business is going to require me to take a written test. This is no problem though, because I have hours. There is time to kill. So I download this app that suits exactly my purposes, because of course there’s an app for it, and I start flipping through these test questions.

Heres the thing about DMV driving test questions: pretty early on you realize why there are so many accidents. You know those days where some asshole is driving up the wrong side of a one way or riding his brakes in the fast lane looking like he’s looking for somewhere to try to turn left or some bullshit, or when you’re just trying to get to work in the morning and some asshole inches into the intersection when his light’s yellow and it’s obvious the cars in front of him aren’t going anywhere fast and now your light just turned green and the fucker is still there, stuck, acting like the fairies of fate have joined forces to conspire against his dumb ass? Yeah. That’s every day. Every day some asshole is driving like an asshole. But I figured out why today.

Ready for this?

Here’s a real question: a printed picture of a stop sign is drawn. The question is what the sign means. It is multiple choice. The choices are:

a) do not enter
b) be prepared to stop, slow down, and look both directions for trains
c) stop and wait until the way is clear before proceeding
d) slow down, drive with extra caution, and watch for children

Here’s another one: what does a “no parking” sign mean?

a) you may not park your vehicle there
b) you may not stop there
c) you may stop temporarily or to pickup or discharge passengers only
d) you may not stand there

Ok. So that’s why there are so many assholes on the road. The filter is maybe too wide in the holes, shall we say. And then I realized something amazing. I realized people fail this shit. And then I was ridiculously thankful for the little we have, in the way of driving tests. And then, because everything is extrapolated to sex, because I’m a pervert, and a pornstar, I got to thinking about how much better the world might be if maybe people had to take written tests before they were allowed to have sex.

I mean, granted, I’m stepping into eugenics a little with this, but I don’t think any male who thinks he’s going to climb up on a female should be allowed to do so without at least having a general idea of what and where a clit is. I’ve met people who don’t. I mean, they’re off by inches sometimes. That’s plural. More than one inch. There’s not a ton of surface area down there. And inch goes a long way. But two inches? Or–god forbid–three? That’s unfuckingacceptable. And yes, usually if they’re off it’s because they’re aiming too low, or in the rare case, too high, but I’ve actually seen them go right and left of center instead of up or down. Imagine being two inches left of the clit. Your ass should not be having sex if you’re two inches left of the clit. End of story.

So I was thinking maybe women would be a little more likely to jump in bed on the first date if you were a card-carrying member of the sexual community. You can be like, “baby I’m licensed”. And then she’ll know that you took the test, and you looked at the little diagram, and on the test where it showed a girls business, you were able to point it out.

The test was like, “where is the clit?”

And you were like, “A) sheathed in the hood directly below and centered to the pubic bone.”

And this shit should apply to women too. There can be a question like,

“when is it ok to put heavy friction on a dry penis”

a) when it’s a handjob
b) when it’s a blowjob
c) when you feel lazy
d) none of the above

And, yes, maybe it’s a little eugenic-y, because if they can’t pass the sex test then they can’t have sex and that will put a huge damper on their procreation, but for christsakes, if they can’t take care of their partners in the bedroom, how the hell are they gonna take care of kids?

But then I started worrying about how my sex test might become unfair to certain groups, because it wouldn’t just be all anatomy and technique. I’d want to make sure myths were dispelled. Like, for example, one of my sex questions would be:

What does god hate?

a) gays
b) premarital sex
c) A and B
d) There is no god, you dumbfuck

And I’m sure you can see what would happen here. A lot of religious conservatives would be singled out. Especially if I throw out any trick questions and make abstinence one of the multiple-choice answers. Or what if I made them define legitimate rape? There go elected Republican men. Honestly I can’t imagine they’d answer all that many questions right now matter how easy we lobbed them… We’d be god and elephant free in a generation.

And then there are other questions that might profile would-be criminals, which is a little Orwellian, but I think if we’re making you get licensed to have sex then we’re probably already firmly in the territory of what one might consider to be Orwellian, so it’s a moot point… Anyhoo, one of the questions could possibly be:

No means ________

a) wait until she passes out and stops saying it
b) or knock her out.
c) No
d) Depends on the context

And then the other problem is sex can be such a cultural thing. Like, what if I presented the clit question to those dark parts of the world that still practice female circumcision.

The question would say, “where’s the clit?”

And there would have to be an option E) in the dumpster.

And you know one of the things at DMV that I saw that I think may have contributed to the failure rate was the test anxiety. There were all these little sixteen-year-old High School kids with sweaty hands and they seemed like they were positively about to just shit stain themselves, and I’m sure test anxiety would probably come up the same way during these sex tests for some people. But then I started thinking, Jesus guys, if you get anxiety over this, just wait til you get to the real thing, and especially this generation, these girls watching the kind of porn they’ve been watching since they were, what, fifteen (I mean 18, of course)? You know what these girls are expecting? Buy some supplements. Maybe a cock ring. This anxiety is nothing compared to what you’re up against in the real world.

Kidding.

But seriously—there’s some stuff people should just know about the equipment before they operate it. People should know that women don’t pee out of their vaginas. They just should. No excuses. Women have urethras. That’s where pee comes from. People should know that the uterus is tiny. It’s not some big gaping balloon up there waiting to be filled. Its like, 8mm in diameter. And it sits low. Way lower than most people believe. That’s where babies come from. People should know that when babies are in there they can’t reach through the cervix and grab your dick with their little baby grip. Before someone actually told me that this happened to him, I would not have believed that this point was something that needed to be covered, but it is. Those things are stuck in there. I promise. People should know that. People should know that you can’t catch gay. That you can’t decide to be gay, that there was no one moment where gay people stood up and said, “You know what, I think I’ll go with gay” just like there was no one moment the rest of us stood up and said, “you know, I’m gonna go the heterosexual route”. Ditto everything in between. People should know that they don’t have to have sex to catch crabs, and also, that if they catch crabs from a friend’s couch, then they should get new friends. People should know that the more they know coming into the situation, the more likely they are to be invited back. Finally people should know to keep their legislative ideals out of other people’s personal lives. Because once the legislation protects children, the rest is none of your fucking business.

The question can look like this:

What am I allowed to control:

a) marriages between other people
b) the sexual choices made by people I’m not having sex with
c) the procreative choices of other people
d) none of the above

If you get this one you pass.