Someone finally asked me a question I haven’t been asked before

So I answered it.

Q: Is it true that a Rhinoceros can kick a Unicorn’s ass?

Here’s how I see it: Unicorns have the benefit of wings. Theoretically that would make them something of an equine fighter jet. But I’ve analyzed the wings found on unicorns relative to the rest of their anatomy and basically the shit just doesn’t add up. Unicorn wings are not large enough relative to the rest of their body, which is presumably basically the same as a horse. Have you ever been stepped on by a horse? I have. Horses are exactly as heavy as they appear to be. Plus there are no hollow parts on unicorns. Flying things generally have hollow parts, or parts that are very light at least.

Rhinos are also as heavy as they appear to be. This means they outweigh unicorns in a pretty serious way. That would make them cumbersome, you’d think, but my Google reseach reports that they are in fact quite agile when angered. They can turn on a dime. Unicorns are more agile though.

And rhinos have notoriously bad eyesight. Unicorns are a little sharper. Rhinos never had a predator before poachers, but unicorns had to always watch out for dragons. This is the evolutionary explanation.

But maybe unicorns aren’t more agile, what with those useless wings they’re lugging around everywhere.

So I dug a little further. The research shows that among the rhino population, there’s a lot of infighting. s many as 50% of rhino males die in fights with fellow rhinos, and 30% of rhino females. What that tells me is that a rhino is so deadly that it can kill a fucking rhino. But unicorns. They really only ever die when a unicorn poacher takes them down with a jeweled saber through the heart or some shit. And there’s also the dragon issue. Otherwise unicorns just spend their time eating ambrosia with the other unicorns. They’re not fighters at heart. They’re arm candy.

So basically all this speculation was required because a unicorn has never fought a rhino, and never would, because unicorns are pussies. Which is how we can then rather simply deduce that a rhino could kick a unicorn’s ass, and possibly a dragon’s too.