12 Common Household Items You’d Never Believe Are Used on a Porn Set (or Why!)
Originally published on Nylon.com
Ah, porn. The larger than life anatomies, the mind-blowing physical feats, the nearly religious denial of the human condition normally known as a gag reflex. When you consider all of the ways one’s normal bodily functions might run awry at any time, it’s really rather magical that this entertainment medium exists at all. Sure, the finished product shows pretty great-looking people doing pretty messy-looking things, but somehow porn bodies always manage to look like they’re keeping shit under control (quite literally, at times.) So how do they do it? Here is a list of twelve common household items that porn performers swear by for keeping things neat and functional on a porn set.
Lemons
Lemons are great all-around. If you’re Martha Stewart, you might use them to make things such as meringue pies or potpourri. Or maybe if you’re a teenager in the ’60s, you might run some lemon juice through your hair just before a mega sunbathing session to achieve those perfect sun streaked flower child highlights. Lemons are also good for natural cleaning solutions and as a diuretic. Just juice a few of those puppies into a gallon of water and guzzle it, and you’ll pee yourself into a size two in no time. The porn actress has slightly different preoccupations, though. Next time you’re watching your evening dose of adult artistic expression, notice the seemingly endless amount of saliva that these women manage to lend to their slob jobs. Not only can they unhinge their jaws, but their butts defy gravity, and they have the drool production of 10 Saint Bernards. Where does porn find such magic? While I can’t account for the unhinged jaws and the defiant butts, the saliva production is simple science: lemons. Many porn actresses drink lemonade or suck on a lemon wedge right before a scene. Voilà! Spit city.
Hydrocortisone Cream
Have you ever shaved your nether regions only to learn, the hard way, that shaving such parts can leave you looking like a plucked turkey with a lush case of hives? The camera dislikes this. For this reason, many of the more sensitive-skinned nymphs of porn have perfected the X-region shave: With a fresh blade, you simply pull the skin back so that the hair stands straight, and then shave downwards in the direction of the hair growth. Pat the area dry and smother the affected region with a healthy dose of Hydrocortisone cream. Your nether regions will look prepubescent in no time!
Cetaphil
Has science determined yet whether there is any correlation between lifestyle and the volume a male performer releases on the money shot? So far, I think not. Funds for such valuable research are instead being diverted to more reasonable things, like cancer research and female Viagra. Vague rumors have rumbled through the industry about zinc being a helpful supplement, but again, science has neglected our cause. In the meantime, the money shot remains a gamble. What is the porn director to do when the load is not as loady as hoped? He embellishes with a few well-positioned pumps of the popular face wash known as Cetaphil. The color and consistency of this common beauty product are nearly identical to that of splooge. Plus, it does double duty to help clean off the real stuff once our porn princess’ day is done.
Coconut Oil
Are you as overwhelmed as I am when you walk into an adult novelty store only to be confronted by aisle upon aisle of pricey lubes? What flavors really matter? Which ones won’t ball up and make embarrassing little nodules on your junk once they start to dry? When is “warming” lube too warm? What if you choose the wrong stuff and send your partner into anaphylactic shock? More importantly, why is it all so expensive?! Well, the pros in adult films have bypassed this problem completely. Where spit is not enough, they simply employ a small helping of coconut oil. Not only does coconut oil make the skin silky soft, but it never balls up or otherwise turn into embarrassing by-product. Moreover, porn blanket lint doesn’t stick to it, and it is not offensive to any of the five senses. Plus, the likelihood of ingestion means only one thing: you’ve added some essential fatty acids to your diet today. Congratulations, you sexy health nut.
Mouthwash
Yes, mouthwash seems like an obvious choice, because we’d like to believe that all sexual partners everywhere would have the courtesy to practice good oral hygiene. But why mouthwash, and not, say, toothbrushes, or the oft forgotten floss? Because regulatory agencies in California—the porn capital of the world—have deemed toothbrushes and floss to be bad ideas, healthwise, for use immediately before a sex scene. Mouthwash, though—mouthwash will keep you clean and legal. In every set box, you will find at least one Costco sized container of this baby.
Bottled Water
Bottled water might seem like another obvious choice if you’re talking about things for drinking. After all, the tap water in Los Angeles is not exactly mountain fresh. But we’re not talking about drinking, in this case. We’re talking about vaginal rinsing. Vaginas typically don’t need any rinsing, per se. They are self-cleaning wonders of nature and, as such, the feminine douche you may have seen in so many supermarket aisles is pretty much a load of crap. If anything, the solution in feminine douches will often worsen the case of a vagina. Vaginas are special flowers that have a perfect balance of good and bad bacteria under perfect conditions. The solution in feminine douches can upset that balance. But, cameras, you see. The tidy porn actress likes to polish up her parts just before she shoves an extra tight HD lens up there. The best tool for such polishing is the bottle sold in the feminine douche. Remember, though, that the solution is bad. As so is the tap water in Los Angeles. For this reason, many porn starlets will dump out the solution in the douche bottles and replace it with bottled water. A quick rinse of the parts and they’re off to the daily grind.
Bottled Water, Again
Ok, we’re still not talking about drinking. But we are still this upset about the state of the tap water in Los Angeles. We would not even put it in our butts. By the way—we’re talking about butts now. When the butt is in play, it is obviously a place that all parties involved would prefer to be clean. Even German porn preps a butt. In this case, the best bottle for cleaning is the enema bottle. But, enemas are for doing the opposite of what a porn performer is trying to achieve. Enemas make you poop. This is hard science, and also advertised directly on the box, along with detailed drawings and awkward instructions. All the porn performer wants is a little rinse. So again, she dumps out the solution in the bottle and replaces it with bottled water. It’s as easy as a cream pie.
Gummy Bears
The more anal queens of porn aren’t satisfied with just a simple rinse. Many will begin preparing for an anal scene a day or two before the scene by adjusting their diets accordingly. They begin with high fiber and then trickle down to no fiber as the hour nears. For most, “no fiber” means they stop eating entirely. All except gummy bears, that is. Either because they are made of wonder and magic, or because they are made entirely of some other non-food ingredient, gummy bears appear not to process within the digestive system. They go in your mouth and then, poof, they just disappear. Science would likely not support this theory, but experience does. Most set boxes have a few unopened bags of gummy bears for the starving anal types.
Imodium
The last resort stunt of the anal queen is to pop an Imodium tablet. One of these will stop you dead in your (digestive) tract. For the record, this is a less healthy option than bottled water and gummy bears and is absolutely not recommended.
Makeup Wedges
Those spongey little darlings are of course used on porn sets for makeup application. They’re ideal for makeup artists because they are disposable and sanitary. This is also why they’re ideal for the porn performer. Why? Well, even a porn starlet deals with bodily functions like Aunt Flo. Do you really think she takes a week off of work every month? (Statistically, you probably do. But you’re wrong.) When they have their periods, many porn performers douche with cold bottled water to slow down the flow, then head it off at the pass by inserting a fresh makeup sponge near the cervix. Cameras can’t see it and fellow performers aren’t bothered by it. Nature! We will fuck with it at every turn!
Baking Soda
Like lemons, baking soda is a ridiculously common grocery item that has uses ranging from baking needs to natural cleansers. Also like lemons, baking soda is an ideal natural aid for helping the porn performer stay on top. Both men and women in adult films expose sensitive areas of their bodies to a lot of foreign people and substances. This can upset the natural balance of one’s body, and result in pH imbalances. Many, many symptoms of pH imbalances across the body can be corrected by mixing a few teaspoons of baking soda into a cup of water and guzzling it quickly. It tastes like hell, but results are noticeable in a matter of hours. Plus, it’s not as gross as Monistat.
Embalming Fluid
Okay, maybe this isn’t a common object in your household, but in the household of a male porn performer, it is. Why? Because sometimes you just really need to override nature. Sometimes your body’s schedule isn’t on board with your porn schedule. Frankly, sometimes a dick just isn’t feeling it. Yes, it goes against all of evolution, a situation like this. One imagines that a perfectly healthy, fit male would, without fail, always rise to the occasion when placed in front of a young, willing, nubile female performer. But some days, he just doesn’t. There are, after all, many more men on the set with him than women. The days are long. The food sometimes only consists of gummy bears and bottled water stolen from the set box. Sometimes the girl just kills the dream. Maybe she’s killed the fantasy by mentioning her participation in any number of today’s listed activities. Maybe she killed the fantasy by not engaging in a few of today’s activities, or showers for that matter. It’s hard to know. But some men, when caught with their limp dicks in their hands, choose to fix the problem with an injection of something called Caverject. Also known as embalming fluid. Happy Fapping!
