Let’s talk about blow jobs then. Of the many many things porn botches and distorts I think blow jobs take the hardest hit. Blow jobs and boobs. If you watch any award winning porn you’re going to see this: 3-5 minutes of gagging, spitting and choking on a dick that was hard before she got it out of his pants. She’ll slap her face with it. She’ll jerk it hard and fast. She’ll stop and go. She’ll baby talk it. You probably won’t see his face but it’s there—the bad blowjob grimace.
Blow jobs are an art form. They require time and patience and love. While they are great for foreplay I think they’ve been typecast. They’re not only foreplay. They are a means unto themselves, and ladies, if you’re really doing them right you probably love them as much as he does. A good blow job can be better than sex. It is not a coupon that you issue on birthdays and holidays or when you fuck up. It is not a chore. It is an exercise in meditation. I zone out when I give them. I go to my happy place where the penis and I exist in perfect harmony. The very thought of giving one makes me salivate. I don’t believe in lube I believe in blow jobs.
A member of my website emailed me his theory on blow job cohorts. He thinks teenagers of the 70’s love to give them, teenagers of the 80’s find them degrading, and teenagers of the 90’s came back around again. Apparently there are blow job generational gaps. I have not tested this theory, and being a teenager of the last decade and generally ignorant of sexual culture outside of my bubble I was unaware that blowjobs had ever been out of favor since the advent of birth control. If you like them, read on, if not, there are many more bloggers out there who are far less concerned with the business of BJs.
Here’s why boys like vaginas: they’re soft and wet and warm and lined with tight muscles. The entire reason blow jobs are so wonderful for boys is they mimic this habitat. But vaginas don’t have teeth. Teeth are used for grinding flesh and roughage. They maim and kill. So keep your fucking teeth out of it, which means don’t dive bomb his poor dick with your throat. I don’t care how cool it looks in porn. It’s very hard to get perfect aim at high speed. If you feel you must deep throat for the bragging rights, then depress your tongue over the top of your lower front teeth and breath out slowly as you go down on it. It feels like it pops into place. But do it slowly and avoid dragging sharp objects across it at all costs. If you’re not sure whether you’ve done it, look for tears. They are a sure sign of throat blockage.
Vaginas don’t hit either, so don’t smack it against things. When you see guys in porn pull out and slap it around they’re not doing it because it feels good. They’re doing it so they don’t cum. That means it feels not good. And I understand dirty talk, I do, but you know what you’re not doing when you’re going cross-eyed staring at his dick and telling him all the dirty things you’re gonna do to him? You’re not sucking his dick. So shut up and suck it. Save the dirty talk for times when your mouth is not occupied or at least pick up sign language.
Pay attention to where contact is actually being made. While avoiding teeth you may end up going too far the other direction and not giving enough stimulation. He can feel the whole length of a vagina, he can’t always feel the whole length of a mouth. Make it count. The head and immediately underneath it are the bulls eye, then from there take in as much as you can without sacrificing quality for quantity. Shafts are cool but that’s why you have hands so use them. If you use both then use them in the same way, and use them with spit. Live by these words: the wetter the better. The best wetness comes from the back of the mouth. It’s longer lasting like Doublemint gum. Do not make a sock toy out of his penis. That is an absolute no-no. Massage it, stroke it, love it. Don’t hurt or desensitize it. The meaner you get the harder it’s going to be for him to cum. Blow jobs are only fun in the absence of lockjaw.
Now here is why blow jobs rule: vaginas don’t have tongues. Tongues can go any direction they want. And they’re soft and wet and strong. They are a dick’s best friend. Don’t ruin that relationship. Don’t flick at it with the tip. Put as much tongue surface area as you can on him in a steady circular motion and it will keep you salivating and him happy. It will also keep your lower teeth covered. Remember you’re trying to one-up a vagina here. It just so happens that when you’re facing his belly button with his dick in your mouth it lands right where it should on your tongue, with the underside of the head nestled safely in it’s care. That’s because nature intended for us to give head constantly.
Hands are dry, bony, and the least-soft body part you can use on him unless he’s into feet. They are not a lost cause though. He seems to get by with his own with no problem on a daily basis. Grip it just enough that the skin can be used as a sleeve, so that it moves with the hand and not against it. It’s especially nice when you can use the foreskin or what’s left of it when gliding over the head. A harmonious blow job puts your lips in near or direct contact with the top of the fist you’ve made around his shaft, and everything moves together. The hand covers what the mouth couldn’t get to and the mouth keeps everything lubricated. It’s a fine example of teamwork. The slow twisting motion that everyone seems to talk about is not urban legend. Use it.
Let’s talk about all the little tricks you’ve heard of. Humming. Blowing. Nibbling. Ice. Playing with balls. Feathers. Vibrators. Toys in buttholes. Whatever. Some are cool. Some are not. The problem with these tricks is the blow jobber ends up focusing too much on the tricks and not enough on the penis at hand. Only do it if it doesn’t take away from the quality job you were already doing. I like to stroke lightly from the back of the balls towards the shaft with just my fingertips. I use my left hand when I do it and my tongue and right hand never miss a beat. Blow jobs in the wild don’t need bells and whistles though. Don’t let Cosmo confuse you.
And now the most important thing of all: rhythm. It doesn’t matter how perfectly you do everything else if you don’t do it with an even tempo. Every time you stop and go you’re starting over on building his orgasm. If you pay attention you can feel him respond to the speed he likes. Faster does not always equal better. You’re not in a race, and if you were you’d lose because too fast will only desensitize him. He’ll get harder as he gets closer, he’ll get softer if you’re doing something wrong. Adjust accordingly. Just because I’m stressing an even tempo doesn’t mean you shouldn’t speed up or slow down as required. It means transition slowly. Balls also move. A lot. Balls are the window to his soul. Pay attention to where they are and what they’re doing and you’ll get a feel for how to tell when he’s close. Some guys have poker balls though, in which case focus on whatever changes—breathing, flexing etc… Once he starts to cum, do not change what you’re doing, whatever that may be. If you hit a rut, stop, give it a rest for a few minutes, and start anew. It’s a blow job blank slate. In my experience, once you pick up the right motion, the guesswork is gone. You will become one with the penis and it pulls you into an altered state and suddenly you’ll feel like an extension of it and when he cums you might have a feel-good moment too. At least I do. And that’s why I love them.
Disclaimer: The second you feel like you’ve mastered it you’ll probably meet the guys who likes teeth and vice grips and throws a wrench in the whole process. I can’t control for the outliers.