Modern Day Kinsey

I sometimes wonder what happened to the sex people used to have, or even if people used to have the sex I think people used to have. I know at one time pajamas were made with buttons over the naughty bits so sex could be had without being naked. Then again they also practiced blood-letting and burned witches at the stake around that time. That is one century that could very well be written off as being wrong about everything. It’s not what I compare today’s stunts to though. I think of 50’s sex as a comparison. Missionary style. Quiet. Slow motion. Lights off. Quick. Married. Or that’s how I imagine it anyway. I wasn’t there.

It seems like it’s all about extremes now. More people and toys and positions and holes and noise and it’s all bigger stronger faster. It’s fun on set when the whole industry is trying to outdo itself. Then I get one of those porn guys home and the lights may be on and it may last all night and there may not be a ring on my finger but they want missionary. They want it slow. And yes, quiet.

I met one of the sweetest girls I know on the set of Playboy Night Calls. She was there to promote her new movie, specifically a bukkake scene she did in which 84 guys came on her face and as her mouth filled up she spit it into a blender—“just cum, spit and lube” as she described it—and yes, they blended that mixture right up and gave her a straw. Does that even happen in real life? Wouldn’t you have to rent out a banquet hall just to accommodate all involved? Do you send out e-vites? How do you deal with the fashionably late? The sheer logistics of it make my head spin.

Fetishes and niches. That’s what’s popular now. We’re over the centerfold, the quest for the perfect girl who won’t spread her legs for the camera but will grace us with a tasteful shot of her tits. Now we want the perfect rush. We swing. We suck on toes. We sexualize shoes and costumes. We love MILFs and anything else we’re not getting in real life. I just wonder what we’re all doing in real life. Forget what we search for or create in porn. Is everyone out there arranging gang bangs and pony parties or do people still settle down after a long day’s work and have a quickie with the same person they’ve been having quickies with since before threesomes became popular and we all forgot what girls looked like with a full bush.

Then there is BDSM. I get it. It’s hot. It’s fun to watch. Holy damn it’s a lot of work. The ties and the gags and the masks and the whips and cages and electronic things and leather furniture and harnesses and wands that shock you instead of releasing little magic sparkles like we all grew up believing when we saw the good witch of the west. The transportation and expense alone is a little masochistic. I’ve only met one couple in my life that had all the bells and whistles. But they live together and they’ve been in the industry for 50 years combined. They’ve had time to stock up and it’s all a write off. How do everyday people with desk jobs do it?

I’m thinking I’m gonna hit the streets with an informal survey and a mouth guard. I’ll ask people how many exposed hard ons they’ve been in a room with at once and whether they own any leather props specifically made for sex or any machines that have been featured on Howard Stern. I will be the Kinsey of modern day.