Cunnilingus

Ok so I probably shouldn’t have taken so long to realize people want to hear about sex. Gross oversight on the pornstar’s part. My bad. While I’d love to continue on about blow jobs I think I should save BJ 101b-z for another day. The obvious counterpart would be cunnilingus, which in my head is said with an English accent as if being narrated in a documentary. The ancient art of cunnilingus. Things written in Italic are also said with an English accent in my head.

I’m not gonna lie. I don’t have nearly as much experience receiving as I do giving. I’ve only really embraced it in the last couple of years, and only after much persuasion. This is because I had been a victim of man-ego for so many years. I had sworn it off. So that’s going to be lesson one:

Take your ego out of it asshole.

Have you ever been the guy or slept with the guy who had to prove that he was good at eating pussy when he had absolutely no idea what he was doing and continued to waste your time long past the window of opportunity when things were fun and exciting and spontaneous? I have. This is what happens when guys want to prove themselves and can’t: she either says what’s on her mind and gives dude negative wood for the next three days and a pin-on tail to tuck between his legs, or she fakes it to get it over with and he goes on believing he has the Midas touch. It’s a vicious cycle. So please boys, don’t force her to fake it or hurt your feelings. Force her to teach you what she likes. If you don’t get it at first, don’t feel bad. Most guys don’t get it ever so you’re ahead of the curve. But no matter how good you think you are or how willing you are to learn, don’t keep her in pussy eating limbo for hours on end while you prove it. Clits get desensitized just like dicks do. You’re wasting your time past the 15 minute marker.

Pussy eating is hard. Think about it. A penis has pretty obvious likes and dislikes. It likes vaginas and things that feel like vaginas. It doesn’t like pain. It was made for pain-free vaginas and vagina mimicking paraphernalia. We have a general idea of where to go from there in regards to the proper care and feeding of penises. But clits…. They’re just kinda hanging out in their reclusive little hoods. What were they made for? They don’t aid in reproduction or serve any biological purpose aside from plugging straight in to major pleasure centers in the brain. See. Girls are more evolved than boys.

They’re also better performers than boys in the bedroom. This is coming directly from a textbook. We are capable of having more and better orgasms than boys. How much better? I don’t know. I imagine that would be hard to measure in units. But we have 8,000 nerve endings in that little 1-inch elusive clit (it’s actually closer to 3 inches but the rest is inaccessible)…. And dude has about half that in all of his inches. We win.

Ok so let’s get to it. We’re dealing with 1 inch of straight nerve endings that has no real purpose in life other than to be played with just right.

Clits like friction, kinda, but not too much, unless you’re pressing them straight up against a massive plastic covered power tool. Yes I’m talking about vibrators. Girls like gentle gentle gentle and then the second you plug something into a wall we turn up the speed until a fuse blows. It’s strange. My theory is that it works this way because clits desensitize so quickly. I try not to even use vibrators because the desensitization lasts a long time. If you have a vibrator habit try a two-week detox. You might be surprised by how amazing human touch still is. Or not. I’m just talking from personal experience here.

Think of a clit that’s fully covered by the hood as an uncircumcised penis—meaning the tip is way more sensitive than one that’s always hanging out rubbing against clothes and generally interacting with the outside world. The ones that are uncovered can take a little more intensity. I can’t handle too much directly on the tip. In fact if I haven’t been desensitized I can’t handle any. I’ll kick you. If you watch closely in couple of my scenes you might catch me pinching someone. I’m a pain egalitarian.

Without turning you boys off to the whole pussy eating thing I’d really like to get you to think of the clit as a tiny penis. Biologically speaking it’s not far off. Before week nine in the womb it could have gone either way, and the deciding factor was the amount of androgens you were exposed to.

So with that in mind, you can now pay attention to whether you’re doing it right or she’s just been stroking your ego your whole life. Clits get hard. We can’t fake that any better than you can fake an erection. We can’t fake cum either any better than you can, and when we cum we get wetter. We also have little contractions but we can fake those until we’re blue in the face so don’t rely on that. While we can have better orgasms than you and keep having them for longer, we also take longer to get going. You take 30 seconds to get a hard on, we can take 3-5 minutes or longer. Going straight into pussy eating from a stand still might work against you. Try foreplay to the foreplay. Or do what I do. Warm up with a good old-fashioned BJ.

Once she’s actually physiologically aroused you have a canvas to work with. Create a suction cup over her clit with your mouth by placing it between your lips and stroking the underside quickly and lightly by flicking your tongue from the base of her clit toward the roof of your mouth and back again. Keep your teeth out of the picture. If you would donkey punch her for doing it to you then you have no right to do it to her. Unless we’re talking about butt sex. But we’re not. Pay attention to all of the things I mentioned about BJs. You’re building an orgasm. Speed matters. We like it faster than you probably like it but that doesn’t always mean faster is better. It means find the speed she likes by paying attention to how hard or soft her clit is getting. These things respond just like your dick does. Once you’ve found your motion don’t stop. It’s like stalling a stick shift.

Clit is to dick as labia is to ball sack. We vary here. Some boys like their sacks messed with and some don’t. Same with girls. It’s most likely not going to give her the orgasm though. Personally it just annoys me. As far as I’m concerned all you’re doing is taking attention away from 3 holes and a clit when you focus on labia, and it just seems like your priorities are suddenly out of order.

Make it easy on yourself. Insert something somewhere. The added stimulation can take some of the guesswork out of it. The butthole has a lot of awesome nerve endings but if she’s clearly not comfortable with a finger up the bum then don’t push it. If she’s distracted she won’t cum. If she’s down with it then be gentle back there. Buttholes are more sensitive than vaginas. Don’t you dare put anything up there without adequate lube and hand care. That means cut your fingernails stupid. And your hangnails. And wash your hands. Maybe some unscented lotion. If this is beyond you or you have callouses get some professional help. They’re called manicures and if you’re worried about being teased by your buddies just let them know that you’re doing it for buttholes. Female buttholes. They’ll understand.

You’re also more likely to be allowed back there if she’s had some sort of sex notice and an opportunity to do a pre-game check. Vaginas are always fun too. They were made for this kind of thing. They’re really not that sensitive compared to what lies north and south of them though, so focus on that mythical dime-sized spongy thing that Cosmo says lies a few inches inside on the top. That’s right. The G spot. Put your middle and index finger together with your palm facing you, lube it up, and slide it in. Now do something rhythmic in there and make sure it’s not out of tune with what you’re doing with your mouth. Maybe do it to the half or quarter beat. Rub your fingertips toward your wrist along the general area you think the G spot might be. Alternating your fingers to make it look like your hand is doing the moonwalk inside her is quite effective in my experience.

This is where you come in ladies. Don’t just lie there and bark orders. Rock your hips into him so that things land exactly where you want them. A millimeter can make all the difference in the world and he’s not psychic. Be a team player. Do whatever it is you do to make yourself cum when he’s not around. If you don’t have a few tricks up your sleeve then borrow some of mine—flex your leg muscles as hard as you possibly can, press down on the stomach muscles below your belly button with the palm of your hand, or scream like you’re auditioning for a horror movie.

And this last bit is for both of you. Obviously the boy part of this equation needs to be aware of facial hair and all the horrible things it can do. Girls don’t generally like 5 o’clock road rash. But we’re hypocrites. I’m outing us as a gender. We don’t even think twice about stubble down there. Boys hate road rash too. Especially around the base of their dicks or the tips of their tongues. That’s my public service announcement for the day. Have fun.